Expanding the perimeter of Comfort

Getting out of my 'comfort zone', has always been easier to preach than to practice.

Coaching has reframed this possibility for me  - that of a conscious, meticulous  acceptance and expansion of competence beyond the cushioning of comfort.

That getting into that sometimes scary 'discomfort zone' is essentially expanding our capacity for entering and staying in a place hitherto unfamiliar, untested and untried.

Think of the day after this travel out of comfort! We would have pushed out the boundary of comfort allowing more possibilities into our competence-kit.

The New Normal.

What we have done is expanded our individual tolerance for committing to an unknown and exploring into it.

How can we deliberate this?

In a state of awareness and conscious observance of self, we can identify that feeling of aversion (fear, doubt, discomfort) which rises as a reflex to a call to action beyond our zone of the familiar. 

Identifying each emotion for what it is, is the sweet beginning.

The progression lies in changing our relationship to these feelings over time. By exposing ourselves repeatedly to these inhibitive emotions and fears of potential awkwardness, recognising them each time they arise, we can begin to be less reflexive about them. 

Overtime, we will find ourselves comfortable being with them, without the reactionary emotions taking over. 

This is the stage where we are beginning to refine our response to the emotions. 

In the process, we have allowed new capabilities in.

These new competencies now have a permanent berth in the Normal. The new behaviour is now an integral part of competencies that we are comfortable committing to; albeit before the next discomfort comes along!

Reframing the Perspective

I am going to buck the trend today, and I am going to suggest that it's not about the Now. 

The past is relevant, in fact very meaningful.

The caveat being it is only as meaningful as I can make it to be.

For me the past manifests as two feelings in our present : The first is Gratitude. 

What is this Gratitude? (And here I'm going to explore Gratitude in the context of the past)

A flashback that makes me miss a moment or one that I want to relive, a memory that makes me misty-eyed or evokes sighs of fondness and the 'I wish' - is, for me, a moment in Gratitude. I am reliving a memory as it still holds some meaning for me today. In fact, many-a-time its value is more apparent today than when it played out in my life. I miss that moment because in its memory I understand something new and unique about myself. With each appearance of that memory in the rear-view screen I know myself a little better. The warmth of that experience makes me want to relive it time and again.

What are all these emotions that I experience when I remember this moment in the past? Do I feel thankful that it took place? Do I feel a bit lucky —consequently a tad humble— having experienced it? Do I feel a rush of warmth and well-being when I assign a position of 'purpose' to it and am able to join the dots from then to my current life. This is how Gratitude feels, certainly to me. It's that feeling when we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to many things that we are today. 

Gratitude comes to us as a heart full of memories. Of course, it can be for the present too but in its most humble form Gratitude is about what we have already lived.

The second emotion inextricable from the Past is Regret.

Regret is also an emotion that the past is often demonised about. As someone wrote, it seems there's a movement of sorts "to cram our life with every possible kind of experience lest we have any regrets". Quite befitting if you buy into the chutzpah of the 'I have no regrets' idiom  and the number of ways people are trying to arrive at that state.

I am no one to call this evil brandishing of Regret wrongful. I just wish to give Regret a chance in our lives. Not in denying it but in reframing it!

What is regret? Let's dive into how that feels. It's a memory of a momentous blip in our Past, a moment of choice, a moment of decision (or indecision), with me or more than me in it, that channelled my life ( and probably theirs') on a certain path that was (and still is) somewhat undesirable, avoidable and stirs up some pain. Simply put this Regret has the capacity to make me feel sad, dolorous, repentant enough to wish it away, and certainly avoid a reliving of that experience.

Now let's get to know Regret in some other ways.

  The context of the Past from our Present is  diabolically apart.

  Is there merit in acknowledging this before we begin to berate ourselves and regret our past ?

  Regret emerges from reflection and introspection. We experience it as pangs of conscience.

  If I indeed wish to live a life of No Regrets, am I also fine being less 'reflective'.

  Conscientiousness feels right - at least mostly.

  Is it then worth attempting a new frame to view Regret within?

Some Questions thence to ask (as Coaches or  ourselves caught in its crossfire):

• What am I without the Regret?
• How do I feel as this 'I' who is without the Regret?
• What if that life-story/ decision/ choice had turned out differently? Can I be sure of that?
• What do I really feel when I feel Regret?
• What does that emotion (Regret) teach me every time?

from the answers that we get and in 'reframing' the beautiful play of conscience in Regret, in acknowledging ourselves as creatures of conscience & reflection, and by detaching Regret from the stigma, we can facilitate a shift—towards a peaceful place in our heart. Perhaps even to a place of Gratitude for those very Regrets.

Let us acknowledge and accept those Regrets and maybe in the process, just when we are looking them straight in the eye, the letters will soar and surge to explain their meaningfulness and tell us the story about why they existed in our life so far. And in that moment Regret would have found a peaceful place in our life. 

And it might well be a liberating moment!

It does work for me!

and that's one reason to get yourself a Coach;)