Freedom in Nothing-ness

I Don't like this.

I Never do that.

I can Never be like that.

I am Not that.

I Am this.

These are definitions and identity-traps we've willingly walked into, holding tightly to our ground —arrogant, self righteous— at very weak moments in life when we felt the ground slipping away. When it most certainly felt we would lose out if we didn't utter the 'I never' or 'I am' and desperately latched on to an identity, a definition! To feel victory - merely in that moment, in a context!

How often soon after, till much later in life, have we felt the shackles of one such momentous utterance, felt forced to live by it, till it strangled & coiled around our necks and juiced the happy energy of living out of our veins, however invisibly.

A moment of victory, a cross for life.

When there is no definition, when my possibility is everything, there is no pressure to merely mimic or conform to a foible, a weak moment.

Let's try it the next time.

and experience this Freedom in being identified for Nothing.

Sometimes, It's enough to know what I don't want.

'What do you wish to eat?'

'I don't want anything fried, I don't want any soup, no starters...'

'but what do you want?'

(feeling pressured, still drawing a blank) 'I don't know!!'

A shot from your life too?!

How does it make me feel in a situation where I have to end up saying 'I don't know?'.

Uncomfortable. Less confident. May be even a bit guilty (in the face of pressure to throw up an answer).

It has been uncomfortable and all of that for me. It has made me fumble and choose the next best that comes up hurriedly. Or accept one that is offered in respite. The feeling in the pit has been a constant : discomfort.

Then something shifted, unnoticed. As years have advanced, I have learnt to grow comfortable in not knowing. More grounded in knowing less about what I want than what I don't.

I am growing  surer of what cannot and does not interest me.

I can legitimately voice what I don't wish to do than perhaps what I can.

I am far surer of Who I am not, than I can ever be of Who I am.

And I am comfortable in that admission.

Because today, right in there is guidance. In there is my opportunity to explore.

And all that was needed was to be comfortable.

There is as much guidance in what does not and cannot happen in my life as there is in what can and does, maybe more!