From my private classroom : An excerpt

My classroom with my 7-yr old {February 5'14,7:30 am}

Aaditya: "Mama(earnestly), sometimes I feel something I can't tell!

It's in the middle of happy-sad, it's in the middle of surprise-angry. It's in the middle of everything."

Me: "Ok I understand. Can you tell me a little more about it?"

Aaditya: " It's something (voice trails off)... sometimes it goes down, sometimes it goes up or it goes faster. I don't like it!"

Me: "Ok... when does it happen?'

Aaditya: "I don't know! Anytime it can happen. BUT I DON'T WANT TO FEEL IT!''


Here he is, a boy-child, intimately in touch with himself. He is deep into the 'I wonder' practice of life. A boy easily in touch with his feelings, the sensations of the highs and lows and he is often eager to express how it makes him feel, even as it feels in his young bones & sinews.

I flashback to my childhood - was I ever into this practice of expressing? I grew up with 3 siblings, happy and carefree - were we ever sharing the 'I feel' world taking place inside of us? The answer is a revealing NO. I can clearly remember feeling these feelings, deep and throbbing. What I cannot remember is ever venturing to share them around. It was a different world—far muted.  And I realise, that must've been the way with many childhoods.

That's one kind of growing up.

How does this kind progress? How does it manifest later in life?

The other end of this growing up shows up much sooner than later in life:

•   As the Teenager we are Parents to ('My child doesn't talk to me any more'/ 'I wonder what goes on in my daughter’s head!')

•   In the relationships we try to nurture and possess and feel one-sided about ( I just don't know how to make her/ him express'!)

•   As the Spouses who want to be nagged for having a real conversation with (' I don't know what's happening in his/ her life any more', 'I am scared to ask him/her.... just doesn't share!')

Grownups - guarded, unsure, scared to be audible, visible, vulnerable, conditioned to view vulnerability as cowardice and weakness, scared lest we are seen as 'not strong enough'! To make up for it, we give fuel to small talk, chatter, the noise of nonsense as conversation, the utmost soullessness of human connections. 

The feelings muted; the decibel cacophonous.

This is how the muted-ness advances. The context is simple albeit confusing : Feelings are weak. Expression of feelings (fear, anger, mistrust,  shame) is weakness. We are meant to exude courage, often act invincible and any expression otherwise is akin to baring us as weak, making us seem less human, utterly vulnerable. And this context reaches a zenith : and soon we bottle and cocoon up in our attempt to be the strongest version of ourselves! 

Uninhibited at birth and restricted in growing up!

A Child is born open to the universe of experiences, to be loved, to be cared for, being dolefully dependent, eager to trust, ready to express a want - a vulnerability, to voice disagreement and discomfort, to emote relentlessly and fearlessly. And somewhere early these instincts get blunted, muted for the purposes of growing up. Without going into the reasons, let's just say growing up conditions these basic human instincts.

And my realisation is that we Parents can convincingly keep this free flowing conduit of feeling-to-expressing alive and clog free. In the least, we can commit to prolong the duration of this phase for unconditioned outpours and feelings.

In my private classroom with Aaditya, lessons arrive not so much in how well he explains, it comes bundled in his urge to express every bit of it, his willingness in his every attempt to put a word to these indescribable highs and lows that his mind churns up. He does not stop to judge the feeling before sharing; he does not care that it might make him sound like a scaredy-cat. My little Teacher teaches me the sheer courage in vulnerability, in laying bare the deepest disturbances so willingly, so trustingly. Be it for the mundane Monday morning blues or the natural low of missing cousins and friends in a distant country or the sheer thrill of going on the roller coaster ride! 

He is game to share anything   - a flutter, a tug or a murmur!